what a balls up

Just going to blurt for a while, then reassess, then resolve.... Bear with me. 

I have to download anti cheat software to a computer for my exam. 

I can't use my work computer - not enough space. 

I don't own a computer, there is one at home but I am not really allowed on it. I don't have the password either.

I have the option of going in and using a computer at the hospital, but I don't have a vehicle so it's public transport only. 

I will probably get told off for trying to use the work computer, but that's okay, I will be able to hold my own.

I applied for study leave 5 weeks in advance and it bounced back saying it wasn't enough time. I emailed by TL and manager and didn't get a response.  

I have yoga on Wednesdays, but I have exam brain and I forgot it was at 6pm not 7pm, so I rocked on up at 6.40..... And whoops. 

I got my mark back for my big compass, and I got a good mark. Not the high mark I should have been aiming for, but a reasonably high mark. This is the assignment my manager read sitting beside me while I worked and then had an argument with me about.... The same assignment that I asked the admin lady to check as my manager accident adjusted the parameters of the page.... She checked and then submitted it before I had finished it. 

I am trying to reduce my stress about the exam, so will talk to IT tonight while trying to use the computer at home. I think the worst part is the cheating part. I don't cheat. I do cram and write a list of words (I have dysnomia) as soon as I go into an exam on the spare paper.... And it feels like cheating. So this is a horrible feeling.... It's heavy in my heart. Or perhaps that's the other thing going on..... Ashburn has opened up internship again. I've started writing my 2000word essay and I find myself writing as if I'm writing this blog.... Warts and all type writing. I found myself crying while discussing my grandparents.... But it's a three year internship in Dunedin beginning this July. It's futile me even applying. I'm not moving to Dunners by myself mid way through post grad study. Mid way through the year after being at a new position for four months. By myself!!!!! - finding accomodation, transport, furniture, money, etc etc. 

The new Covid procedure has been emailed.... Three masks a day. Disposed of appropriately. Where's the medical waste disposal unit? Who's paying for the masks? P90s are like $5 each. WTF. 

My sleep was disrupted last night due to my flu shot - I sleep on my left hand side.... So no sleep for me, well 3-4hours of light sleep. 

The cops were busy this morning. I've seen 8 so far, sirens and all. Even caught one staring at me as I walked to work. No wonder I'm paranoid..... Cheating, subrafuge, illegal activity, breaking rules. 

So much energy on the wrong things.

Ok, that's better. Blurt over. 

I'm going to go out with my friends tomorrow night. Relax a bit. Then PT on Saturday and Pounamu truck. Sunday back to studying. I'm going to sit here now and work non stop until 6pm, walk home and then talk to IT.