It's been a while

Here's the brief: 

I was introduced to Spotify. 

I had a verbal, with the same psychiatrist who cut me off in the last one. He said I passed comfortably. 

I had my written exam, was asked to apply for compromised assessment, but I couldn't as I didn't know if I had failed or not. Uni called and said that the doctor's letter was noted and taken into account when marking my exam. 

I went to the dr's twice (one practice, two dr's) and finally came out with some idea - B12 and iron deficient.

I applied for Ashburn. I was declined for Ashburn and told I should consider doing the online modules... so I sent them back a short email to say don't send generic emails I've already done 3 of the 4 modules. I got an email asking if I was returning for the fourth module, then another email saying "sorry you feel the email was generic".  

My filling fell out and I have a temporary filling in (as of 7pm last night). My mouth hurts. 

My next course has released some of its study material - it has my old bosses name on it. I almost shat my pants to see he may be in the meetings. 

I've been socialising. 

I've been trying to get funding for three staff to do Mentalising through the Anna Freud centre. 

I have a new team lead. I've set up 3 cultural seminars for him, and he's managed to miss them all. He said he swabs his mouth for covid. I showed him the research into the ph of a mouth and leading to false positives. He tested positive this week. 

I have been crafting fantails out of felt. 

We had the carving truck here and I made 4 carvings. 

We had a day off for Matariki!!!! I was terribly ill during this time!

B12 deficit symptoms (which apparently looked like a prolonged panic attack) - fatigue, headaches, bloating, nausea, diarrhea, paresthesia, palpitations. 

So I'm pescatarian. I eat some fish - once a fortnight. I eat eggs - twice a week. None of the other things apply. 

I went into full force research on how to improve my levels, then went to the supermarket to get stuff.... y'know what? Swiss cheese is hard to find. 

I'm going to go do another zoom conference now, while the printer man talks loudly on his phone outside my room. It's better than the two maintenance men yelling outside my window. Or my doctor calling twice while I was in a conference with psychiatrists. 

I don't understand why I can't just work from home.... at least then I would have a work out.  

it's all going wrong

My computer took hours upgrading. 

My office taken over by maintenance. 

I left when the heatpump installer and painters arrived.... 

And I forgot my keys. 

No working out. 

Then today: heart beating too fast and hot cold fever and fainting vs nausea.

No study.... Panic. 

Whirlwind

Coffee, Guarana protein bar, cool shoes but wrong socks, had a panic attack. 

Mid recovery fire alarm drill, toileting, photo to a birthday girl, email with no emotion from my tutor cc'd my lecturer, email from my registration saying they couldn't answer my question about Cutting Edge and have forwarded on.  

Chai at a cafe, meet with a manager/friend, spoke of: culture, Dunedin, LOAD, management. 

Now I'm back at work and there's someone in my office doing drilling with the windows open and no curtains. I wanted to put my head down and work. Instead I'm in another office with fluro lights, without my computer, with no lighter for the oil burner I bought to try and regulate my anxiety. 

DdddddrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRR. DdddddddddddddddddddddddrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRR. 

What I'm think.... 

I went looking for an article that was in our March lecture and I couldn't find it, so I emailed my lecturer and tutor. My tutor gave me the information I needed, but it was very direct. I think I'm reading too much into it: that he's upset with me finding an error in their information. 

I want to attend Cutting Edge, will be the first time I can after all the crap I went through with previous workplaces. I think I may have to pay the $200 excess, the difference between student and member. 

I think I should visit the Dunedin site before commiting to working, and it's likely to be set up before I start back at PG (end of July). 

I think I can make it through a LOAD meeting now that I have a posse/entourage going with me.... Even if one of them has flaked on me five very distinct times (and is now my team lead, crack up). I had to tell my story of persecution (being turned down for PG, being taken into a discipline meeting for something the manager did, not being able to disclose to the registration board). It was hard, my cheeks went red, I got itchy.... I think I will hit a low tonight, or tomorrow.

I think I will go ahead with the Mentalisation Based Therapy training... On top of everything. I kind of want to know where it will eventuate. They haven't found anyone suitable to take over for their retirees.... Would they look in my direction? Would they consider me? 

I think I have my second prong organised for the meeting with HR manager (I thought he was CEO, but he's not) on Tuesday.... I think I will appeal to his understanding of spirituality and religion. Maybe after discussing the move to Dunners. Supply him with the agitated letter I have written. 

Study

I'm studying and I got stuck. Adamson et al. 2003 is the article I need to read. There's percentages I need to remember for my exam. There's mention in the lecture and the lecture slides. But I went to publications of that author and there's nothing. I have written to my lecturer and am waiting now. Unfortunately, this is one of those stumps that can have me stuck for the longest time. 

I have a flashcard ap on my phone and wrote 7 lovely detailed, informative, cards..... And they vanished. I don't know what I did... ? Again, another thing that really got me confused. 

Cause:

Wernickes encephalopathy  - life threatening BUT reversible

CAN 

       Confusion 

       Ataxia - inability to coordinate voluntary movement

       Nystagmus - involuntary side-side, up-down, circular motion of eyes - most                                            common sign and earliest indication of Thiamine deficiency 

Classic triad: 

EODGA

     Encephalopathy

     Oculomotor dysfunction

     Gait ataxia 

Would you want to know.... If a student of yours was a complete d*ckhead? 

I am a little strung out about this.... I have to stay studying with them. Should I wait until we're done? Should I forget about it? Should I discuss it with my tutor (he was brought into this - the most intelligent man you will ever meet - turned into - I don't like him because he can turn on you and he's mean). Do I discuss it with my clinical supervisor? This is also hard for me..... She use to run this course. She could have backed me. She could have supported me by phone call or letter. She could have insisted I was accepted. Sure I wouldn't be where I am now, but that should have been my decision. I'm angry and really depleted. 

Outcome/result:

Korsakoff syndrome 

- memory impairment

- anterograde and retrograde amnesia

- confabulation

- chronic B1 deficiency

I've a meeting with the Ceo on Tuesday (Monday is a holiday I discovered). I'm going to look at options for moving to Dunedin. I will write to Ashburn as well to update my application. Wish me luck. 

And if you're wishing, I really need to win Lotto. There's a boot camp in California (I think it will be one of the last where Hayes, Walsler and Wilson will be facilitating). I want to go but it's $1800 not including flights or passport (mines expired since 1999 when I wanted to surprise my then boyfriend - shout out to HWSNBN).