Being bitter

Last night.... Mhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmp.... 

I was picked up by a class "mate" and driven to OH (my old workplace)... I was thankful for the ride. I was excited and had everything I needed packed and ready. I stood on the road and froze. 

I got there and it was the worst 2hours of my life. My two class mates wanted to rape me of my knowledge while talking over me, critising all the lecturers, and general gasbagging. 

One of them was given the head lecturers notes and told not to share them, so she left them open on her laptop for the other to write them all down. She then went on to talk about her mark and how she was going to call the head lecturer and have him change it to an A- because that's the type of relationship they have. She also forwarded private emails from the head lecturer to the other.... While dismissing me at the same time. 

The other didn't have 2yrs experience in the field and was let in. Here's me with 4yrs before I was allowed to start. She was let in with a supporting letter from my tutor.... Who she then went on to say she hated because he had turned on her. When I asked her to explain she made it really confusing and the other started talking about staff she hated. 

I gave them page numbers for them to look up, and some percentages to consider for their answers. It went silent for a couple of minutes then they both looked at me and told me to give them the exact place I had read the information because they couldn't be bothered looking. 

They both talked about being dyslexic (not diagnosed) and I found myself feeling guilty.... I was supposed to hand in all my notes last week for the dyslexic people in my class..... but my house has v&d and colds and I've been in and out of the Dr's and the pressure sucked!!! By the end of the two hours, I was glad that I wasn't helping these moronic users. 

The car ride home was uncomfortable. She said she noticed I tried to talk but was cut off repetitively. She said she didn't think the time was productive. That next time it will be just the two of us..... There's going to be a next time???? 

Saturday

Pounamu carving wā

That's all. Maybe a little study tonight. 

what a balls up

Just going to blurt for a while, then reassess, then resolve.... Bear with me. 

I have to download anti cheat software to a computer for my exam. 

I can't use my work computer - not enough space. 

I don't own a computer, there is one at home but I am not really allowed on it. I don't have the password either.

I have the option of going in and using a computer at the hospital, but I don't have a vehicle so it's public transport only. 

I will probably get told off for trying to use the work computer, but that's okay, I will be able to hold my own.

I applied for study leave 5 weeks in advance and it bounced back saying it wasn't enough time. I emailed by TL and manager and didn't get a response.  

I have yoga on Wednesdays, but I have exam brain and I forgot it was at 6pm not 7pm, so I rocked on up at 6.40..... And whoops. 

I got my mark back for my big compass, and I got a good mark. Not the high mark I should have been aiming for, but a reasonably high mark. This is the assignment my manager read sitting beside me while I worked and then had an argument with me about.... The same assignment that I asked the admin lady to check as my manager accident adjusted the parameters of the page.... She checked and then submitted it before I had finished it. 

I am trying to reduce my stress about the exam, so will talk to IT tonight while trying to use the computer at home. I think the worst part is the cheating part. I don't cheat. I do cram and write a list of words (I have dysnomia) as soon as I go into an exam on the spare paper.... And it feels like cheating. So this is a horrible feeling.... It's heavy in my heart. Or perhaps that's the other thing going on..... Ashburn has opened up internship again. I've started writing my 2000word essay and I find myself writing as if I'm writing this blog.... Warts and all type writing. I found myself crying while discussing my grandparents.... But it's a three year internship in Dunedin beginning this July. It's futile me even applying. I'm not moving to Dunners by myself mid way through post grad study. Mid way through the year after being at a new position for four months. By myself!!!!! - finding accomodation, transport, furniture, money, etc etc. 

The new Covid procedure has been emailed.... Three masks a day. Disposed of appropriately. Where's the medical waste disposal unit? Who's paying for the masks? P90s are like $5 each. WTF. 

My sleep was disrupted last night due to my flu shot - I sleep on my left hand side.... So no sleep for me, well 3-4hours of light sleep. 

The cops were busy this morning. I've seen 8 so far, sirens and all. Even caught one staring at me as I walked to work. No wonder I'm paranoid..... Cheating, subrafuge, illegal activity, breaking rules. 

So much energy on the wrong things.

Ok, that's better. Blurt over. 

I'm going to go out with my friends tomorrow night. Relax a bit. Then PT on Saturday and Pounamu truck. Sunday back to studying. I'm going to sit here now and work non stop until 6pm, walk home and then talk to IT. 

It's Wednesday

My TL came back today. Not great, but it was going to happen. 

My noise purchase arrived! Hooray... I can send it off to my old work mate for her bday. 

It is exam prep day and I'm nervous. I haven't got my results back for my assignments yet and I'm feeling really sick about it.... Or perhaps it was the flu shot I just had. 

I have pounamu truck this Saturday! freaking awesome!!!! 

and I am a horrible human for not handing in my notes.... my excuse was I've been away from work with migraines, I don't own a computer. Argh my head hurts now just thinking about headaches... possibly the heatpump above my head? white noise or dehydration or both.

I'm going to have a panadol and drink of water!

Presentation

I did a 7-10 minute presentation yesterday for course. I got full marks. It went faster than I thought it would. 

I went early and got subway - found a hair in it, didn't want to complain because it would be wasting energy. Couldn't force myself to finish it. 

My tutor helped with some questions I have. It was good. 

Subtle hints - names of medications, Wernicke’s CAN (confusion, ataxia and nystagmus). 

We discussed mind palaces. 

I also raised a point.... We have two lots of information being given to us and an exam coming up. 

I have to go and write up notes now. I'm well behind! 

Saturday

Sorry I missed yesterday.

I had a seminar, then went out with a friend. 

Today I'm bogged as well with pt and another friend catch up. 

Thursday

I like this weather - warm wind, dark clouds about to shower, autumn colored leafs running along the road. 

I'm not over what I had yesterday: feverish, heart pain, faintness. But I am at work. I feel better at work. I am working and I feel good working. 

I had to remove my certificates from their frames to scan them to my registry board this morning. Embarrassed by the blutac I used. 

I have so much study to do and my brain is swimming with information. 

We had a lecture on spirituality yesterday where I felt the lecturer was aggressive in his approach. It was quite confronting. I am glad I don't speak much and had a chance to write it all down. 

What I did take away from the lecture was the thought: our brains have evolved from presenting perspective to observer perspective. Once upon a time we weren't concerned about how others viewed our artwork, it wasn't a thought while creating. Now we think about how the Observer will Form a relationship with what we are doing/making/creating. 

 

Wednesday

I don't feel that flash. I took the day off from work. 

I don't have Covid. 

I am so cold. The RAT made me sneeze, twice. 

I had the pleasure of working at Youth res last night.... didn't need to as they had asked several different places and we all turned up.... four of us for one position, including an agency who left 20mins later but can charge the organisation for 2hrs for turning up. 

I had a chat with a co-worker while there, as there were no youth in the residence for two hours.

We spoke about culture and mentalisation. Two things which are sparking neurons in my head. It makes me want to head that direction.... moving mentalisation into the of biculturalism. 

We spoke about the fear of being the "white woman" and speaking out of turn. Which is has been part of my journey, and possibly the direction I should be heading - helping others move through or over this hurdle. 

We spoke about dialect and Marae and the company's lack of cultural responsibility to te Tiriti. The shift of the nation from cultural safety - a nurse created term, to cultural competency - an individual's responsibility. 

We spoke about the University having a lot of able people in the same area/department, but no-one willing to collaborate... which is weird as they write articles together. 

We spoke about the Meihana model and how it incorporates Te Whare tapa Wha, and she promised to watch the YouTube video. 

We also spoke about trust in the workplace, and the inability to keep secrets vs the political responses. 

Okay that's all I have for now. I have to plug my phone in.                                                                                                                         

Tuesday

It's D Dub birthday. That may not mean much to anyone but me. I spent some time talking with old friends yesterday because I felt funky. It was good to off load. I went to pilates and full moon walked home. 

I have had an impatient email from the note people - basically asking for me to get my a into gear.... while I really want to put my all into it, I am also faced with the consistent "oh no"s of writing notes and realizing I have either missed something out of my assignment or written something wrong... more stress waiting for the two assessments returns. This is the rest of my life I'm facing. These marks have the capability to destroy me.... and it's D Dub's birthday. The only man who has systematically hurt me over almost thirty years. An apology will never be enough. 

Monday morning

Intention - I will try to write each day this week. 

I was called disorganized and hesitant by one my psychiatrist lecturers. We were sent an email asking for a scribe for class. We were sent a second email asking for the same thing. I replied that I was called disorganized and didn't feel it appropriate that I apply to be scribe. I received an apology. I don't know how to take disorganized constructively. 

I saw my clinical supervisor. She spoke about the psychiatrist lecturer.... Content around the interaction I am sure I have written about before. I have made my peace with the male in a position of power, gaslighting, trying to put me into a high pressured position to emulate a MDT. Actually, by supervision I was quite over it because he had given me a high mark. 

I submitted my notes for scrutiny and booyah. I got the scribe position. 

I am supposed to be writing all my notes up. I was supposed to do a whole heap over the weekend. I did one and a bit. I have to get moving and finish them up as I have to submit them get paid. Possible get enough dosh to pay for the repairs on my truck. 

That's it folks. 

Haven't written in a while

Busy. 

Last comprehensive due tomorrow. Going to be marked. Dreaming about it. Worried. 

Really sucks that I didn't look earlier at the due date. I ended up freaking out late on Sunday night. - y'know.... Mothers day. 

Just had my manager in to say that the client was anonymised. That was difficult. He sat and read the whole thing while I sat here. He did the "not how I would write it".... And the "only doctors can diagnose". 

I'm pretty tired now. Home life isn't great. 

I've started B vitamins. Turns out if you are B12 deficient and take B vitamins your appetite increases. Well I tell ya, my hunger pains have never been so exteme. 

I have a few zooms and a meet and greet today. When am I going to finish this compass? 

So tired.

Autumn

I was considering life and the elements which shape us as children. Initially I thought of the shapers as pressures, but now I'm not as sure. I wandered to work along a different path today... I'm not sure why. Perhaps the Autumn colours took my fancy? I walked past my marae, the BMX bike track, the council and the library. All of these things have presence in my life and have shaped me into the person I am today. Even the trees and my river, under the watchful gaze of my mountain. These aren't pressures. They are a part of pathway (literally). 

I made it to work, without incident... Well... I forgot my eftpos card and was unable to coffee it up large. I had the best conversation with one of my team members. Discussing how we encourage masculine essence in females and feminine essence in males. How this can relate back to wairua and the two (mother and father) rivers that run through each of us. It didn't go to the depth I wish the conversation could have gone to, partially because I think he felt underprepared or had not given Māoridom enough priority. He left just after midday. 

I was then alerted to the presence of some online trainings attached to my file (on everyone's files, very new). One of which is "cultural safety" and of course I opened it. I had to. I read through the questions, all seven of them, and I felt a surge of heat in a fluster on my cheeks, and so I closed it.... I think I'm allowed two attempts to answer the questions, so hopefully the open/close doesn't count. 

And here I am. 

STAR WARS DAY

Happy May the force be with you! 

I took Monday off due to an exhaustion I believe came with the depression I felt about my Cultural assignment. 

I met with the chaplain and he appeared somewhat lost about the lack of responsibility to te Tiriti. Encouraging me to write to HR. 

I've had a nightmare this morning with everyday things.... My waterbottle spilling in my bag, courier issues, topping up phone issue, phone call meetings.... On and on and on.... 

I have sushi train tonight and multiverse of madness. I should be excited. But I'm lack luster. I brought baby Chewie into work to cheer me up... Make an effort. 

My primary school is demolishing their school hall today. It was a little sad.

I spoke with my tutor yesterday about my marks on my second practice compass. It's still confusing me. I have one marker. She is marking all three of my compasses. The third one is marked and is the mark that counts towards my final grade. She has commented an example of how she wants me to write sections, which is great and straightforward and yes I can do this.... Then later on she has highlighted sections of my work she wants me to put in, but it's not in her original example. Then there's the A grade examples in Te Ariari.... And I followed that in my second compass, and she highlighted 80% of my work and said it was in the wrong place. 

Work has decided to change our label for clients from tangata whaiora to tangata whaikaha. How can they do this without a cultural group? Also, our whenua is Ngāi Tahu which drops the wh and replaces it with k. We should be addressing them as tangata kaikaha. 

Anger sits upon me. Leading me to the dark side. Chewie! Take my hand!