A lot to get through

 Okay, so I am utterly confused by work. I was told to work from my office if I wasnt needed at adult res, so I got the roster and found that Im not on it until next week. So of course I thought that means Im at my office today, but why go in since I cant log into email or microsoft office (word). Why not work from home and actually get some stuff done. But apparently I got it wrong. Im supposed to go into adult res and sit there all day doing nadda. Screw that. So I stayed home and did some stuff: washing, dishes, study, work, vacuum, rearrange, tidy, the stuff I really needed to do. 

I have a compass tomorrow thanks to my tutor. I am very nervous. 

Things that I want to write over and over so that I don't forget: 

7 principles: 

cultural considerations

wellbeing

engagement

motivation

assessment

management

integrated care

4 Ps:

Predisposing

Precipitating

Perpetuating

Protecting against

Nomothetic: Process of categorising phenomenom, diagnosing, finding commonalities and grouping them, medication.

Ideographic: Uniqueness of individual, strengths and problems, individualised psychosocial intervention. 

And a quick word about nocebo. I was wrong, I had heard of it before. There's this series I enjoy immensely. Its called Legion, by Marvel TV. It is an extension of the universe where mutants are such as the Xmen. In season two, it becomes very educational and discusses psychological aspects while being visual pleasing. Nocebo was explained during one episode, although it was very focused on the negative impact within the one-one relationship between an authoritive person and a person who is submissive to this information disciminated. 

Thursday morning

Today is a sleep deprived day. I was hyped up last night, I did not manage to drop off easily. 

I went and met my tutor at his workplace. It was good. He went through the same thing as my tutors did way back in my first year of psyc: look at all the previous exams and answer all the questions, they reuse previous exam questions, and print off the marking schedule for assignments as the marker will be searching the essay for only the points they are marking on. 

I also managed to do the first FACT. Bruce is wonderfully smart, but all over the place. At times he couldnt hear the organisers tell him to sit still while videos played as we could hear him moving around. 

Bruce name dropped a loooooooooooooottttttt. Im wondering if I sound like that when I talk about things? 

I have a meeting with my TL (again) today at midday and Im anxious about it. I dont want it. I dont want to talk to her. I dont think I can hold myself back from going mental. 

Tuesday morning

Here I am back at work. 

The only positive I can express is that I walked here. 

I've been here for over 2hours and I am about to do some of my actual work. I am a little bit stoked that the staff here are heding my suggestions. 22 years in MH must mean something. 

I am trying to work out how to see my tutor tomorrow and do FACT. I better send in my apologies for PG. 

I want to do FACT quite badly for the main reason that it is FREE rather than the $1000 to do it at UC. Also, it's the last training in ACT that I haven't done. 

I am really tired this morning. I did Pilates last night on a sore shoulder. I did all my tests and I could only identify arthritis. 

Positives: I finish early (3pm), I am respected here, I almost completed a programme for UC, I get to walk home, I have Ashburn tonight, my SM has taken on my PG requirements. 

Negatives: my TL called me on my work phone and my private phone, my shoulder hurts after doing all the tests, my clothes are wrinkled, I don't have a desk to work from here. 

Monday morning

 Im at work, and it was a hard push to get me out of bed. I got myself a coffee and got to work 5mins early. Wake over shift were there and said that I was likely to surplus and would be sent home. A student ran in talked about a feeling and then tried to leave but must have seen the other staff member on the driveway who is supervising her today. The handover was short, which I like, but it was so short that I forgot to  listen. The student sat on the ground and the other staff refused to sit down next to me. 

I had to remind myself to not hate the student. I was a student once. It was more than 20 years ago. I looked at her, a quick glance, and saw her pant legs were different lengths (or her legs were) which meant I saw her boots and her socks with anchors on them. The anchor..... flashback: I truly believe there are two types of people in the world, the ladders and the anchors. Don't be an achor. What a prat this manager was. Manager of a facility similar to the one I am in today. Maybe that's why I am struggling.... bad memories of that place. The starting time, the lack of professionalism, the staff gossiping.

I'm going to go and save this so it doesn't disappear on me again. 

Quick Sunday blog

It's late, I'm in bed, I'm going to try to force myself to sleep very soon.

Things....

I'm watching Malcolm in the Middle. A bit of a nostalgia trip for me. I always said that I wanted to marry a man like Hal. If he can put up with Lois, then I would be easy. 

Tonight while watching a new character was introduced (she's probably a bit part): Kirstin Stewart. Which made me think of Twilight, and that's what's playing on my other phone. 

I have decided I don't trust. So, there's that. 

I don't want to go back to work.

I want Wednesday off to do FACT.

I finished the interesting article about Maori values in work places. That was my defining point of today, other than the searing pain from my workout yesterday. I haven't managed to do much more than sit today. And then if I tried to move from one seated position to the next, more pain. 

Okay, I'm going to go do some writing now. Hopefully settle this brain of mine so I sleep 7hours and do another shift. In a place that doesn't need me. Never mind.  

6am wake up

 Getting up this morning hurt. 

I tried to get to sleep at a reasonable time. But who am I kidding. After doing dinner, chiropractor, talking to both the kids, personal hygiene.... it was like 1130pm and I was forcing myself to sleep. 

My head was swimming after doing the LOAD meeting and the CEP meeting and talking to my pg tutor and my ex team lead and discharging my clients. I guess it still is. 

It was great seeing my old friends (coworkers), I wish I had asked questions but I didn't. I was being naughty and watching CEP at the same time. 

What's worse is that I thought it was a full day so I took the full day off. CEP was 1.5hrs and LOAD was 2hrs. And doing them the same time meant I was done at midday. 

I went to the Cafe and painted a little bit and the rock shop and got two stones. 

nope

First day of CEP role, I am deployed into another role which started Wednesday. I had LOAD and CEP (national today). And pg on Wednesday afternoon, where I had to call my tutor to tell him my work place wants to have a meeting with him based off the course requirements.

NOOOOOOOOPE. 

Back at work

So I'm in an office that normally has 6 people. It has me and sometimes one other. 

I did absolutely nothing yesterday! Not through my doing. I wanted to get on with it but I have the corner desk which everyone can see what I'm doing... so I couldn't just get on with it. 

I did find a couple of interesting articles for pg.

This one in particular: 

Kia Aki: Encouraging Māori Values in the Workplace

Research Team:

Matt Jolly, Fleur Harris, Sonja Macfarlane and Angus Hikairo Macfarlane

I read it instead of pilates which was cancelled due to illness. It's a companion paper written by a student at UC who studied geography. 

My fifth day

I'm so confused. 

My welcome party was cancelled. No explanation. 

Then I have two new invites: catch up with a co-worker (probably going to get told off - I told a co-worker that another co-worker forgot my name after I told him 9 times.... Someone probably over heard me and it might have been taken as inappropriate) and a settle in to role meeting at midday. 

I wrote to my two kaitiaki and they responded directly. I feel wanted. 

I didn't do any study last night. 

I haven't done any work yet today. 

Okay. I have got to get moving. Do something. 

Fourth day, but it's not a holiday

I missed my coffee catch up with EF. Very annoyed about this. I didn't get to sleep last night until around 4am, so not very sure how friendly I would have been at 11. 

I got some rats, more solar lights, bought a new KS bed and sheets for it, and a home facial kit. 

I went to a Cafe to do some painting and a Dr called for a chat about one of my clients. That was tough. 

I did send some emails to a couple of kaitiaki to get some more fodda for my Cultural assignment. 

Actually I think I might do this assignment tonight as I don't think I will be going to sleep any time soon. 

Here's your latest update of my painting. 

 

Third day of holiday (is it though???)

This is strange.... I wrote a blog post, but it's not here. 

There was a photo of my painting... I did two arms.... And now there's nothing. 

I sure hope it's not the blog that I wrote some stuff about Hayes and happiness and stuff... I should probably check. 

I looked at all three of my phones, but there's nothing on any of them. This is really weird. 

Second day of "holiday"

I don't feel great. Like tired, airy-head, low mood. 

It started yesterday as I sat and thought about stuff. A family friend passed away from a heart attack. I don't know if they had a funeral. I don't know how to grieve in this case. My mood got really low.  

I started painting a new portrait. It's really therapeutic to paint, however the subjects are three, not my typical one, and they are heart breaking. MG I wish I could have turned back time and believed/chose him over RA. JB I wish I never dated. DW... Well. 

How he treated me was dispicable. I wonder if MG ever thought the same. MG saw it all eventuate. Why did MG choose DW over me. 

I think I will walk down to my Cafe and paint for a while there. But first of course I am going to finish my compass.... And this time I do mean finish it. 

I might need to go back to my garage and look for my DSM book. I found my psychiatry books, and this will help with my diagnosis part of my assignment. 

It made me mad to read about ASD.

I am trying desperately to get in contact with someone at work to do my Cultural assignment. Maybe I should go to my Kaitiaki instead. Might be a better resource than work. 

Personal things:

I need to go get a new photo ID from work

Text my kaitiaki

Hand in assignment

  

First day of holiday

It's a Monday. I've done some work. I am also feeling bad because I didn't give my team lead a table I promised. I've nearly finished my compass. 

Strangely I had my security camera on and saw the mailman on his moped ride up to my mailbox. I am waiting for some mail/packages.... So it was odd checking and finding nothing. Also, I looked up events and there was none. 

I think I know why my kidneys hurt so much the other week: I think my diet is too protein heavy. 

Okay, must dash. I'm going to finish my Compass today if it kills me! Then I will do the Cultural assignment. 

Early morning evacuation alarm

PLEASE EVACUATE THE BUILDING THROUGH YOUR NEAREST EXIT.

PLEASE EVACUATE THE BUILDING THROUGH YOUR NEAREST EXIT.

PLEASE EVACUATE THE BUILDING THROUGH YOUR NEAREST EXIT.

PLEASE EVACUATE THE BUILDING THROUGH YOUR NEAREST EXIT.

5am through to 6:30am. 

I am tired. Having trouble concentrating. The Primary School on the adjacent corner had its alarm go off. I called the emergency number, they suggested I go and check out if there was smoke and/or fire and they would send more trucks out. I walked barefoot in the dark, along the side of the river (back end of the school). 

No smoke. No fire. Just me in the dark. 

Okay. I have to get onto my to do list now.  

Morena

 I am awake but not feeling vibrant. I got an email to say that one of the people at my farewell had an in home covid contact. So I'm a little hypochrondriac this am. 

Im off to PT. I gotta finish my compass today, and dinner out, and finish work stuff. I dont have enough time. Im going to have to be really tough on myself. 

Like all my christmases and birthdays came at once.

 It's flipping hot. 

I'm sitting waiting for my coworkers to turn up to start my farewell party. Yes I resigned. On a cake. 

Last night I went into my garage and it was like the biggest gift ever. 

Look at what I found! 

Pg study is weird online because we can't talk as a class in the breaks and after class. We hardly know what's going on and (I've probably complained about this previously) we get given tasks the day before they are due. 

Today someone started a group email. It was good because I had been so fixated on work that I forgot our first compass is due next week. 

I've been rushing around trying to fix my s7, which died on my bamboo lap table. AND Trying to get preventatives for my fold. 

Just look at this... I would have been devastated if it was my fold..... so anything I can do imma Goin do.

What came to me in Yoga

I am not flash at yoga by any extent. I do however practice yoga and see benefits from it. I try to do 10-15 minutes a day at home. I see someone on Wednesdays. What I love: use of muscles which are forgotten in everyday life, going back in time when my deceased friend convinced me to go to the gym with her to do yoga, meditation at the end, feeling fit. 

Wednesday is my PG online half day. I was working in the morning and it was really good, productive, intense, and then my personal cell fell and landed on the edge of my bamboo lap table. The table that I spent a good deal of time on with sand paper so the edges didn't cut into my wrists. The screen has a purple to green line through it where the top line of the onscreen keyboard would be. I am annoyed. I have banished my phone to my bedroom and can hear it calling out. I decided to buy a screen replacement kit for it rather than pay 100 at a store. 

I sulked through PG. My microphone didn't work on this phone because there is no jack, so when I was called on I couldn't talk. I decided to write up my pepeha and paint while listening and taking notes. 

We were given a task on Tuesday to do for Wednesday, and by the time that I got around to doing the task it was 2:30am. I hadn't slept enough and it bugs me that we are expected to drop everything to do these things. Especially the US that want to pass with high marks. 

Off track. 

Judgement is what I thought about in meditation at the end of yoga last night. 

I knew I should have rushed home and blogged about it before the line of thought vanished. I was soooo hungry that I had to make that a priority. 

My thoughts will reshuffle and I will recall what I wanted to blog about this topic at a later date. For now, I need to get back to doing work. 

Excitement and being productive

I may be getting trained up to run the carving truck. This is a secret dream of mine. There's unbridled excitement brewing. 

My work farewell is this Friday at my driving range. This is something to look forward to. I should probably get my clubs ready. 

I start psychotherapy next week. A little hesitant as it's a lot of money that I don't seem to have at the minute. The alternative is waiting 2 years until these papers sync up again. 

We are going out for dinner this Saturday and I love eating out, getting dressed up, spending time with my family, and going somewhere new. 

I am getting through my practice compass. It's harder than I thought as I looked at the demonstration video and the sample and it's soooo looooong.

I am getting through my workload, but it's tough going. I hate thinking about it. I zone out and try not to let the thoughts linger at all. I believe I am using too much energy trying to push it from my mind. Possibly this means I will be having intermittent panic attacks. 

Okay, I'm done for this evening. I am stressed now even talking about my stress.  

Evening

While I sit here in bed, doing some reading for my course, I found an interesting intersection of my embraced learnings: 

Most schools of therapy call for a surrender of self to allow the new to emerge, the most obvious example being Alcoholics Anonymous' call for the intervention of a 'higher power'. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) invites the client to stop struggling in the quicksand of the problem, and when they do they begin to discover something (usually forgotten) that transcends the limited view they had of themselves. 

Drury, N. (2007). A Pōwhiri Poutama Approach to Therapy.

I also have to report that I spent time at the ASD group and then drank peppermint tea with a heroine turned friend of mine. We spoke of nocebo, diagnosis, content vs context, the climate of covid and Ukraine, empathy, study and we laughed. 

I have to get up early in the morning. I am slightly confused at this minute. I have a friend who is a place of despair and can't leave. She has been talking to me this evening while I try to read. I didn't get much read for another reason... I am watching a background program, called The great. It's a comedy. It's also about Russia. Should I be watching this? I saw a lady on FB use it as a platform against New World's wine selection holding a Russian wine. How very dare NW? They should have taken it off the shelves... She should rant about it in a public forum. 

Okay... Time to sleep I think. I have a few things to do tomorrow... I better be rested. 

Good Morning - Morena

I slept like the dead last night. I'm not sure exactly why. 

We bought an ice cream maker on Saturday and have made three loads so far. Unfortunately,  I believe that I am dairy intolerant.... Soooooo. I am disappointed. 

I have so very much on today. I need to write a to do list, get stuck in, not get distracted. I think I will be working on the ground for most of the day. I am more comfortable here and I can thread yoga or pilates poses through my work. 

Good news is that I am about 1/5 through the compass. I am going to concentrate on the cultural one this week. Gosh just had the warmth rush out of my arms.... Had that freak out moment that my Cultural assignment is due this week. But no, after checking its the 27th April. Haazah! 

Saturyay

Saturday we have been going out to PT in the park, a free personal training event. I find every week it is getting easier (I can run further, do more reps, do the full time alotment, etc).

This week was pretty exciting because we planned to go out and buy an ice cream maker afterwards. We picked up some pretty cool flavour/ingredients as well. 

I found this bamboo lap table and am happily using it. 

Braveheart must be watched at least once in your life... Today is our day. 

Yesterday I had a performance appraisal. Beyond expectations across the board. I also had some exciting news... I might go and get training to do carving. Super excited about this. I did my first practice compass. This was an eye opener. I am going to spend some time today writing it up. I took notes and recorded it, so it won't be too difficult. 

So slow getting through the to-do list

This working and being unwell and studying and closing files is pretty tough going. 

Im in a cafe early to do as much work as I can cram in before seeing people. 

The study is fun. Always has been. 

The pain is in my hips and lower back. Im heading towards screaming point. The Dr said to keep moving, so Ive walked to the cafe, then walking to work. I also did yoga last night, difficultly - small space, and my cat thought I was dead and meowed in my ear.

Walking in the morning makes my nose run. Add a hot soy latte and I am a sniffing mess. 

Work - I am desparate to push my week off back a week so I can actually work my final week rather than seeing people. 

Yesterday we had a dr as a lecturer. I have met him before and I idolise him. It was a good lecture and I am still surprised at how easy the work is.... like is it a joke? have they made it easy so I relax and miss what I am supposed to do. 

Its a bit later... Im kind of freaking out in a work car. I feel really sick. Good thing I only have one more face to face. Get through this, walk home and then do a phone call session. 

I also got my holiday week transferred. kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk..... leaving that in to show my unwellness.... Ive got fans going but my fingers are heavy and a sign I should be heading somewhere to deal with the mess I am in. 

I am annoyed that my workmates are not rising to the occassion. Birthday and farewell.... I sent them cake. We dont really have to do anything else. I dont want to drnk or eat with them. I would rather go-karting or climbing wall or driving range or something different. I dont want cake. 

Okay... time to go in. maybe I should eat something....