Post work out

I have decided I really like mentailism. I didn't like the lack of culture. I dispised the constant change of subject or uncomfortability I got from bringing it up. 

We worked out at the beach today. I'm worried about myselff.... I really need to do some hard core study. 

I had a tank, and even that isn't making me feel better. Perhaps it will be better once I get home? 

mentalisation day one

Full on.

I did not realize the depth of this model.

I'm feeling a little stuck.

The websight was taken by a mindfulness organisation. 

This is a group for people who don't meet criteria for mindsight (dhb). Which was established as a research study. But so was this. I fact the referral form still has reference to the study. (there's only one error that I saw).

The food was good but I have raspberry seeds stuck in my teeth from the vegan brownie.

Tomorrow we have a day of role play, which I'm excited about. 

There's no culture in this. 

Twtw is used tokonistic. 

It's causing some internal rage in me, but I'm very stretchy from yoga last night and very aware that I could easily have a health issue and from that bordering on a panic attack..... That and my shoes hurt so much I took them off...

Oh wow they just addressed ASD.... They were so outdated with their explanation of ASD. I'm fantastic at mentalising and I do well in groups. Wtaf.

My lips hurt as I sucked them in and chomped on them.

My mind star

I'm in a training. It's not bad. I think that maybe I shouldn't have crocheted until 1.30pm last night. I enjoyed seeing my old friends at PPW. 

I'm really tired and still can't find my takitaki mai training with Mark Wallace Bell and Daryl Gregory. I need this for my Cultural assignment..... Which I got an extension for until Monday. 3 jobs in 4 weeks and my computer locking me out last week is definitely a great reason for an extension. 

I spent yesterday learning about Power Threat Meaning Framework.... It's very interesting. Lucy Johnstone came to New Zealand and gave a speech on a Marae - discussing how diagnosing is the new western colonisation. Whooooa. This is supposed to be my companies main model.... how do I word this in a cultural assignment.... 

 

End of day

It's been a long day and I have half an hour left. 

Wasting away my long weekend???

It's Sunday. 

Yesterday after Pt I played with a fantail by the river... Or perhaps it played with me. 

This morning I heard one outside the window, pulled the curtain and we spoke for a time. 

I got stuck into crocheting a blanket which I am intending on gifting as a bday present. I decided I needed more wool and I planned to go to the shop. But I was so stuck in my spot. 

I'm watching a television series. The lead guy reminds me of Dave, a person I use to know. I think it may really be effecting me. Like I might need to talk to someone about him, but that leads me to best friends.... I don't have one. I ruined what I thought was my best friendship, on purpose. Which brings me back around to previous relationships and how I have never managed to keep them... And this grandeous premise that people are replaceable. 

Food arrived.... I did manage to leave the warmth of my couch. 

Head strong, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Morena,

I'm going full on today. Throwing myself into my Cultural assignment, ahu whenua. 

So far, I've watched two videos: 10 what not to do in NZ (an American families experience) and cultural safety (a nursing student's project). Of course the first didn't have any real significance, unless it did??? I watched it while I was printing off some other pdfs. It was curious. Point 3 was about mari culture and how it's everywhere and tee reeoh was spoken. Perhaps I can let it sit in the back of my brain percolating for another time? The students project, although rough in editing, had some brilliant directions for me to further research and illustrated the "paralysis" many time.  

I have the (paper copy and electronic) policy manual open, but I'm angry with it. Here's why: 

1. Tangata Whaiora is copy/pasted throughout - it should be tangata whaiora

2. There's no cultural policy or Maori health policy - but there is on line

3. The online Maori health policy and plan has links that lead to nowhere (tetaurawhiri.govt.nz/lear-te-reo-maori/tikanga-maori/ and hauora.co.nz/resources/Fonofalemodelexplanation.pdf)

I got a little distracted as I found the Meihana model with proposed ways for psychologists to use it. Meihana model is the model that I'm focusing on for this project so this makes me happy. 

4. No macrons - I realise that it's a struggle and some programmes don't support the use of macrons (like this blog), but I get annoyed about macrons not being used. There's a huge difference between 'Father' and 'Parents'. My own mother has had me up about this. 

I haven't got any more at this time. I just got into Takitaki mai. I wish Daryl Gregory was still here as our cultural advisor. I would have loved to have talked to him. 

Mood check in

It surprises me always how quickly exercise can adjust my mood. If you told me 30 years ago that I would be doing handstands and shoulder bridges off a chair at this age, I would have not been surprised but pleasantly proud. In the middle of a particularly difficult pretzel move, I noticed my negativity dissolve. I also warned myself - this will hurt tomorrow, and it does. 

While I was in PG yesterday (and reading articles) I found that many people are writing about paralysis in culture. It made me think of the fear response: fight, flight, freeze, fawn. Are we afraid of culture? Are we collectively freezing as a population? So I began thinking about how I was going to write my cultural assignment up using the positive future focused antonym of paralysed. You know what? there isn't a word for it. Well I didn't find one that suits my requirements. 

I did find puissant. I think I am going to try enter this into my vocabuary by dishing it out as much as possible. AND bonus - while one of my co-students was talking, she dropped Latrogensis! whoop! what a day for words! 

My work computer hasn't been updated for 8 years. The six balls circle clockwise on my screen as the clock clicks away on the wrong time above my desk. My Darth is dusty and my nose is aware. The mere mention brings about sneezes, and then hand sanitiser, and then worry that others will think I'm unwell.

Ko Tamatea pookai whenua te mauka

Ko Oopaawaho te awa

I want macros on this blog. I don't want to copy and paste words off the internet.   

In PG study

My time could be better used. 

I'm going to do my Cultural assignment, hopefully before the weekend because I need this weekend to do the carving training. 

I watched Susie Pitama Meihana model on YouTube yesterday afternoon. It was fully engaging. I loved it. 

I was looking up references on other people's masters and doctorates and I was pulled towards Meihana, and then moved into videos. It was quietly fluid. I spoke to a co-worker on my phone and realised that her desk (in my office) has an image of Meihana on the wall behind her laptop. It's weird to think that she's working from home on a laptop and hers is here. 

I wonder if I will get points if I use Meihana in my assignment? She is ex Otago University. 

Holy Hecker it's sooooo cold in this room. I'm putting my hat on. 

What was I thinking/writing? Oh yes, Cultural assignment. I did try to do the mini lit review yesterday, but I got trapped in the searching for the three articles.... today, I nearly did the same thing. but! I remembered I had them saved on my phone!!!! hazzah!!! 

Off I go, to make my peppermint tea and write my assignment while listening to my PG lecture. 

First day back blues

Morena, I am alone in the office (no complaints). I've missed my space. 

I have Binaural playing in one ear (the old switcharoo) as my ear buds are "battery low".... I'm very tearful this morning. Combination of noise (the tree people are chainsawing next to my room, and not saying "timber"), maple plunger coffee, study until 1am, "the little that he needs, is home", having Darth back (a search that went on for 11months), the carving truck coming this weekend for training, being cold ('tis the season), having work to do but no idea what I'm supposed to be doing - I've read all the files, I've written notes and questions, what else can I do when my TL is away for the week and the person I'm supposed to talk to isn't at work. 

So back to study? Yessireeeeee.....  

Major Depression disorder

5 or more symptoms over a 2 week period where there is a change in previous function. 1 symptoms must be depression or loss in pleasure. 

Symptoms - 1-9 (mind-map of my bedroom)

1. bedside table

2. mirror

3. pillow

4. alarm clock

5. iced coffee

6. perfume dresser (box of small things)

7. clothes drawer

8. stones on window sill 

9. me in bed - the most important (which I put last by accident and am too lazy to rearrange all my notes)

Lazy isn't the right word, but I couldn't think of a better one. 

I grab my phone from my bed side table, look in the mirror, adjust the pillows (make the bed), look at the time, drink iced coffee, spray some perfume, get my clothes out, open my curtains (see my stones), want to get back into bed. 

I think I've had too much coffee. My brain is racing now. I'm going to switch to the cultural assessment.  

Easter done

I have been unproductive. 

Well not completely. I dyed my hair back to ruby/purple and did some crochet... played some board games and cards. 

I'm going to use the last 20mins of awake time to get my priorities straight.... And study MDD. Which I will put here: 

MDD A

Five of more symptoms present during same 2 week period and represents a change from previous functioning. At least one of the symptoms is - 1. depressed mood OR 2. loss of interest or pleasure

5(+) 2W DB previous functioning, 1symp dep or lip

MDD 1-9

Depressed most of the day, nearly every day - reported or observed

Dep motd ned s/o

Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in (almost) all activities most of the day, nearly every day - stated/observed 

Mark Dim int/pleas all act motd ned s/o

Sig weight loss when not dieting/weight gain (>5% body weight in a month)/ decrease Or increase in appetite nearly every day

Sig wl (nt dieting) wg >5%/m / Inc app ned

Insomnia/hypersomnia nearly every day

I/h somnia ned

Psychomotor agitation/retardation (NED) - observed not just felt

Psychomotor ag/ret ned - ob&felt

Fatigue/loss of NRG NED

Fat/loss of NRG ned

Feelings of worthlessness/excessive Or inappropriate guilt (can be delusional) NED not self reproach or guilt

Feelings worthlessness/excess/inapprop guilt ned (not self reproach/guilt)

Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness NED stated or observed

Dim ability 2t/c/indecisiveness ned s/o

Recurrent thoughts of death, SI without specific plan, or SA or a plan for SA

Recurrent thorts of d, SI wo plan, SA/plan SA

MDD B, C, D

Symptoms cause clinically significant distress/impairment in social occupational or other area of functioning

symps cause clin sig d/i in soc occ/other area of func

Not attributable to substances or another medical condition

Not attribute 2 s/ other med condition

Not better explained by schizoaffective, schizophrenia, schizophreniform, delusional

Not beta xplaind by s/s/s/d

Just A-C = MAJOR DEPRESSIVE EPISODE

ruminating

Okay, so I talked to my tutor then sat around all night waiting for my marks to get sent through to me. Which they did around ten to nine pm.  

I passed. I think it was a b mark. 

Comments were, I was hesitant. 

I went silent in the middle of playing games, unusual for me as I am vocal and humorous usually. 

I go to bed.

I'm awake until 1am then 2am. Flashes of "4/10" and "hesitant" and "effortful".... and I think "what a prat". 

Blame him first:

1. during his lecture he introduced himself to everyone individually, except me. when I spoke up he acknowledged someone else and moved past me. 

2. When he began the exam he looked surprised to see me, as if he didn't know me.... because he didn't make a point of meeting me, even though I was on his list of students. 

3. I interrupted him in the oral exam to ask questions, clearly pointing out I needed processing time.

4. He began by saying there would be questions and discussion.... there was not. only questions.

5. He interrupted my answers with more questions, interrupting my train of thought and was unclear. 

6. sped through the questions and wasn't given my alloted 20mins. 

Blame the system second:

1. The examiners were all given the same brief on how to exam, but they all took that information differently. 

2. we weren't given the questions earlier to rehearse our responses. 

3. we were told we had to stare directly in the camera for a question (which I struggle with normally), giving me extra anxiety, which was undue.  

4. A Compass and the oral were on the same day.

5. the oral was not on our original schedule - I had to take a day off for it.... another stressor.... 

6. and the entire thing was on zoom!!!! I can't read body language on zoom. I can't connect with my fellow students and practice my responses. I have a completely different work schedule at the minute.

Blame myself third:

1. I had 4-5hrs sleep

2. I went into it thinking I don't really care because it doesn't go towards my grade

3. I could have completed my Compass on a previous day.

4. I could have studied harder

5. I could have pointed out the obvious - dementia, whaikōrero - but I thought they were misdirects

6. This isn't hard.... it's just raising my standards to met an institutes criteria.... stop making it hard.  

Now I find myself back at work (on a public holiday), with the most insanely self obsessed, entitled, naive, a-hole. None stop psuedo intellectual conversation with sweeping remarks which revolve around biblical nonsense which is his own judgment hidden in a guise of masculine superiority. "men are better leaders". The amount of use of the word "like". The dribble that comes out of his mouth about his experiences in the world - we did covid wrong: too many rules that he breaks, hundreds of people tell him he is an overthinker, childhood experiences, and every ill-placed sentence is repeated with a trailing off dreaminess - like some kind of punctuation. me me me, and ABSOLUTELY NO EMPATHY. I told him I couldn't talk while I was reading, so he just talked at me. Told me how his brain was firing and wanted to talk more and more. I am too tired. This is non-sense. I don't have time to be a good co-worker to this guy.... it's my last shift (ever) at adult res. 

   

oral exam

I'm a bit tired. 

I nearly finished my Compass last night (1230) and got up at 6am this morning to complete it and prepare for my oral. 

I'm listy was my feedback. I went outside and did the gardening.... Came back in, washed my hands, sent an email to my tutor. Now I'm waiting for the debrief to start at 1pm. 

I have the knowledge but there is no fluidity. Was further feedback. But I'm tired and stressed from having an exam. 

I'm going to go and email the course coordinator to make sure we are starting at 1pm. 

Byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye. 

Musings over the weekend

I watched a couple of series and movies over the weekend and it occurs to me that even though the media puts such a curve on information, entertainment television is developing alongside. 

Ricky Gervais said it best. "No one is going to the movies anymore.... They're staying at home and watching Netflix". 

I think the limited amount of real news has swayed our expectations of life. People also get introduced to things way too early. Porn, AOD, mental illness, death, wars. 

What I noted watching the series, is that the females are stronger and dominant, like they are over compensating for their male conterparts. They are free to be dirivitive towards any topic, while being self depreciating and linking absenses of mental health. What I noted watching the movies, is that the males keep their remarks within their gender often linking to alcohol. 

It is really weird watching from a different era, people my age (and older) trying to keep up with this new generation. Stranger still one of the series had an ex wife actor of the actor on one of the movies. All the viewing I did was comedy. All of the viewing had explicitly illegal activity. 

Comedies are more likely to be considered okay to be watched by younger audience as the actors are comedians, it's full of stuff that is supposed to be laughed at, their age ratings are often lower. Kids are supposed to know the difference between movie life and real life. But do they?

My example is quick sand. From the entertainment viewing I did as a kid, I thought I would be struggling with quick sand often, although I never did. What will kids think their lives will be full of when they grow up?     

Hope this goes through

I'm in a Cafe after a workout and a long walk. There is no internet that I know of. 

I worked last week, and managed to do all my on line stuff. 

I have a verbal exam this week. I also need to hand in my compass. 

I think I will be studying all weekend. 

Finish writing up my Compass and complete my Cultural assignment and cram the dsm 5 into my head. 

I am working at adult res for another week. It's exhausting, but it also means I get more study work done. 

Verbal exam is at 11am Wednesday. 

I have another Compass this Thursday. 

Class on Wednesday at 1pm.

Far out my brain. 

Jeepers

"Management" took it out of me last night. I was so deep within Te Ariari that it was difficult to believe the time was almost midnight. I haven't made a mind map for it yet. I have questions about severity: is it based off the criteria of WD or sud? I'm guessing it's sud? But I don't want to look like an idiot asking. 

Which leads me to yesterday's lecture. I sure was glad I wasn't asked about how I was going with my assignements. I listened to the others talk/complain and I couldn't connect. Their journey is at a different path to me. I have been through all of what they were discussing and I had nothing to input. 

Next Wednesday is my oral exam. I think my Compass is due then as well. Then my Cultural assignment is due the following week? Anywho. Back to cramming the Dsm 5 into my brain. 

How to mind map MDD?????? My poor brain. 

Me again. Writing up flash cards for Antisocial personality disorder (which I have consistently forgotten????)... Criteria 2 has me thinking.... isn't personal gain pleasure? does it have to be separated out like this? I bought this case with pen for my phone, I personally gained and it gave me pleasure using it.... not when purchasing it. maybe they should be separate....? It's odd because it's the planning, looking towards the future, goal part. And criteria 3 is about impulsivity and failure to plan ahead. It's not quite computing in my head, probably because I am so stuck in Behaviourism. ABC baby! 

evening!

Got myself a new case with a pen. Could be dangerous as I have art aps with competitions... And I'm competitive.  

Picked up Lego star wars. Saw a fight in the food court and a car being towed. Wrote a complaint about jb hifi.

Tonight I mind mapped the withdrawal syndrome criteria.

1 shower - autonomic hyperactivity (sweat and 100bpm)

2 brush teeth - increased hand tremor

3 bathtub - insomnia (sleep in the bath) 

4 toilet - nausea/vomiting

5 mirror - transient hallucinations

6 tweezers - psychomotor agitation (movements with no purpose)

7 moth through the window - anxiety

8 hair spray - tonic-colonic seizures

For the rest of this evening I am going to sit and learn management plans and mind map Major depressive disorder. 

Thoughts while walking to work

I have been crazy studying: at work, walking home, in bed, stick-it notes, repetitive writing. I am trying to cram the DSM5 into my head for the 6 key diagnoses: MDD, Manic episode, SUDs, Social Anxiety, PTSD, and anti personality disorder.    

SUDs they are all the same (11 criteria) apart from the withdraw. 

I've made a mind map: 1 my front door, 2 the coat rack, 3 the laundry, 4 the kitchen, 5 the dishwasher, 6 the rubbish bin, 7 shoe rack, 8 the record player, 9 my desk, 10 one side of my cabinet, and 11 the other side of my cabinet. 

I will endeavor to make another mind map for the withdrawals and other diagnoses.

Walking to work I started thinking about triggers.... Why we do stuff. How many things are unknown to us and others and how Johari window fits into this. The example I started with: walking to work. Obviously I walk to work every day at the same time and communtors will see me if they are traveling at the same time. I wonder if they are curious about me, or judging (I don't think judgment is negative, I believe it is a part of the human condition) my outfits or use of cell phone while walking or lack of umbrella. 

Open self - I walk to work 

Blind self - what I look like from behind, how I look while walking

Hidden self - I used to walk to work in Wellington and I got really skinny (49kgs size 6), I am weight conscious currently and using the walk to work as a step count. I have a vehicle but it has broken down in rush hour traffic on the way to work previously and I worry it will happen again. 

Unknown self - ???? this one always gets me. What I would do if there was an accident or a natural disaster while I walked. 

So, I walk to work. My behaviour is defined by the Johari window quite nicely: motivation, previous experience, social concepts, routine, feelings. Where do triggers fit? 

Cramming the Dsm 5, and the conversations I have been having lately, relate to triggers. The fleeting concept of guns are reactivity floats through my mind. Are triggers always proceeded by explosive behaviours? 

I saw a bucket hat in the petrol station this morning while I got a soy latte. It triggered my brain to fire neural pathways into my memory of my ex returning from America and hugging my friends by lifting them up and spinning them around. It threw in my ex best friend who I may have accidentally walked into the other day on the way to work. Then I smiled thinking about another ex and his bucket hat obsessive thoughts that it made him cute in photos. These three men (boys then) were/are friends. Something triggered me, in this case a bucket hat. Did I know it would trigger me? no. Did I know it was there? no. Did it impact my walk to work? yes - I thought about blogging the experience. Are they intrusive thoughts? kind of. I don't want to remember all this stuff. None of it is overly negative. Knowing my ex bf wants nothing to do with me makes me ache: I want to fold over internally until I can't fold anymore. Knowing my ex got in contact with me recently and he can't remember swinging my friends around at a petrol station after he returned from America makes me feel a sense of grandure: I'm lucky to have a memory. And being able to laugh at my other ex and his egocentric nature has always been a relief to me. 

This doesn't help me fit triggers into my process. Triggers are my high priority atm due to the Compass that I'm doing. How does one know their triggers? Previously been triggered? Linked to motivation? This is where I'm stuck. I can't ask "what are your triggers" as much as I can't ask "what make you do the things you do" because there will never be a set list to fit into that box, there will always be a story, even for the smallest trigger of a bucket hat. 

Bonus today: 

MORENA

Okay, so I have an oral test coming up, a Compass to hand in (which I just completed yesterday, Sunday in my own time), a cultural assignment and I have to learn the Dsm 5 criteria for Suds and 6MH conditions. 

Ouch.

I will rant for a moment:

I have to sit at adult res, even though they don't need me, just incase they need staff to move around. I have to sit at adult res, instead of home, because working from home is for people whom are sick (I thought people who are sick are supposed to be getting better, not working). I have to sit at adult res, even though I was told I could study on work time - which means - I'm here in the way of the staff. 

I was told moving position would mean more AOD work. Theres none at adult res. 

I was told there was AOD Compass, this was my managers priority, he was reaching out to other services, but nothing. I had to take time out of my weekend to do it. I spent my own time doing something that I was promised. 

Rant over. 

I have clinical super soon, I need to save some for that. 

The Compass went well. I got everything but the medications. 

Theres two good things about adult res: I have access to the Dsm 5 and the staff are genuinely interesting to talk to. 

The cultural assignment will be okay. I will knock it out after my compass. 

The six core diagnosis:

Substance use disorders

Major depression disorder

Manic episode

Social anxiety

PTSD

Anti Social personality disorder

Here we go, turmeric Chai latte ready: 

Suds - page 481, 483-485

Alcohol UD - 490-497

caffeine UD- 792-795

cannabis UD - 509-516

features of - 483-484

inhalant UD - 533-538

opioid UD - 541-546

other hullucinogen UD - 523-527

Other substance UD - 577-580

phencyclidine UD - 520-524

recording procedures - 485

sedative, hypnotic, or anxiolytic UD - 550-556

severity and specifiers - 484

stimulant UD - 562-567

tobacco use disorder - 571-574

tolerance and withdrawal in - 484

Major depressive disorder - 155, 160-168

associated features supporting diagnosis - 164-165

comorbity with - 168

curture-related diagnostic issues - 166

development and course - 163-166

diagnositc criteria for - 160-162

diagnostic feature of - 162-164

differential diagnosis of - 167-168

funtional consequences of - 167

gender related diagnostic issues in - 167

prevalence of - 165

risk and prognostic factors - 166

suicide risk in - 164, 167

Manic episode

in bipolar I disorder - 124, 127--129

in bipolar and related disorder due to another medical condition - 146

Social anxiety - 190, 202-208

associated feature supporting diagnosis of - 204

comorbitiy with - 208

culture-related diagnostic issues in - 205-206

development and course of - 205

diagnostic criteria for - 202-203

diagnostic features of - 203-204

differential diagnosis of - 206-207

functional consequences of - 206

gender-related diagnostic issues in - 204, 206

prevalence of - 204

risk and prognostic factors for - 205

specifiers for - 203

PTSD - 265, 271-280

associated features supporting diagnosis of - 276

comorbidity with - 280

culture-related diagnostic issues in - 278

development and course of - 276-277

diagnostic criteria for - 271-274

diagnostic features of 274-276

differential diagnosis of 279-280

functional consequences of - 278-279

gender-related diagnostic issues in - 278

prevalence of - 276 

risk and prognostic factors for - 277-278

suicide risk in - 278

Antisocial personality disorder 461, 476, 645, 646, 659-663

associated features supporting diagnosis of - 660-661

culture-related diagnostic issues in - 662

development and course of - 661

diagnostic criteria for - 659

diagnostic features of - 659-660

differential diagnosis of - 662-663

features and criteria in alternative Dsm model for personality disorders - 763, 764-765

gender-related diagnostic issues in - 662

prevalence of - 661

risk and prognostic factors for - 661-662

Have a quick update - 

Sitting in handover, a staff was talking about "hindsight" and said "ironside".... What???