Flank pain

Second day in a row that I woke up with pain in my back, between my hips and my ribs. 

I went to the doctor. I still managed to work all but one of my cases. 

I finished my first assignment, however I don't know where to send it. So yeah, that sucks. 

I did find the recording from my first zoom session... So watching that and hoping to get answers. I'm going to start the cultural assignment tonight... Oh crap I just heard that it has a 60% as a pass rate. 

Sorry I had to go for a couple of minutes because I had trouble breathing. I am sure it's just being at the Dr's today and talking to healthline... everyone keeps asking if I have issues with breathing. I have peppermint tea now and that should cut through whatever it is. 

I'm going to go and start the culture assignment. 

Feeling like crap

Pain in my back started in sleep. Considering: kidney troubles, menstral, too much liquid. Possibly too much sugar? Symptoms: hunger, freezing (unable to warm up), migraine, dizziness and the obvious tiredness (since I've been awake a lot of the night with the pain). 

Work I've diverted. 

Study I have nearly completed. 

I need.... A hot drink. Oooooo and a hot wheat bag.  

I want.... To have a nap and not feel like crap. 

I will settle for.... Gloves, eyes closed, panadol. 

Getting there

I am working hard, but slacking off at the same time. 

Decided to take a photo of this table (see below) because I have to commit it to memory. Included is the four leaf clover I found on Friday.... Think of it as a bonus. 

Good fortune for us all!!!

Good Morning

I am all set up: 

House clean (ish)

Remade bed

Dressed warmly (today has become quite cold)

Psychological thriller series on

Coffee beside me

20 minute timer

Every possible charger I could need plugged in

And here we start. 

First up is reading the rest of the Module 1 (I got one third of the way through last night before I slow blinked asleep) while watching the recordings on line. 

I have washing and dishes to do, but that is for the breaks (when the timer goes off). 

Getting into study at 7pm on a Saturday night

Worked out this morning. 

Went op-shopping this afternoon. 

This evening I went to the driving range and hit 50 balls and ate buffalo cauliflower. 

Now I am going deep into study. 

Module 1 - Compass and management planning and reporting

***quick bathroom break**** 

So not so quick.... It was a washing, peppermint tea, and work out break. 

I'm going to: 

- read the 38 pages

- do the first cultural task 

- find the compass that I will be doing on Monday

Maybe at the same time I will look into watching the ACT videos from Module 7 at the same time??? 

Gutted that Gifs don't work here.

Quite perplexed

A family friend passed away on Tuesday. 

I have so much work to do. I am so behind and I feel so out of place.

I think I finished my first PG assignment, but need to type it up. 

I am sitting in a cafe (second for the day because they chose to change our meeting location) waiting for my next meeting to arrive. The day is hot and the ciccadas are out. So why do I want to cry?

I am sad. 

Strange days

I cant quite figure out what to do. I need to close files and get prepared for my new role. My brain however is swimming with things. 

I wonder if this is how Jen felt? She used to speak of not having enough time. The busiest person I knew and always achieving. 

I wish I could have gotten to know her better, but I was semi afraid of her at the same time. I should go visit her grave. 

I dispise that word... "should". Its in the samebox as "try". Do or Do not, there is no try. 

I need a good cry I think. 

Then a priority list and a timer. 

Okay, I have to stop blogging and get on with living. 

Study tonight

I don't know what happened just then. I wrote a post, the blog minimised and disappeared.... confused. 

I was writing about how I have to get past the spelling and grammar mistakes and how I could use this blog as the correct place to rant. So now that you're up to spend.... 

I am on page 3 of Module 1 - writing notes. I have read through about 15 or 32 pages, but didn't consume the knowledge because I got fixated on an error... so much so that I decided to do the first assignment and found it in Module 2.... so read that also. 

The first assignment is about culture and how it influences my thinking/behaviour. I don't want to wow them, I actually want to blow them away. 

It's going to be a short night studying as I have a friend in from Germany and a package I missed at some point today... I have no idea what though??? My ACT book isn't due until June (I preordered because I was so excited).

Covid is so close

Working in Rolleston and knowing that I am 2degrees from it.

Talking with my ffolks last night and making arrangements. 

Knowing that theres a loop hole where a person can be a lose contact, but their family can continue going to work. 

Seeing a Vaccine Pass disappear (it was back this morning). 

Being empathic and feeling everyones insecurities. 

My first week

Due to Covid, my post grad has started five weeks early and has gone online. 

I now have a conundrum: I have to tell my work, my new job. I feel completely shook. 

It's my birthday. I can't do anything because I am waiting for my courier to arrive. I have friends to meet and tea to drink, hairs to dye and sleep to catch up on. 

So tired. I was up until 2am trying to figure out what the noise was, then why the internet was messed up. I got up at like 7am, I have some really bad nightmares lately. 

The course... It looks relitively easy. Well I say that now. It's two modules. The first is about the basics of assessments. The second is cultural. 

My first assignment is due on the 6th of March. I think I will do it now, just because I can. 

Story idea

Mirror man

-slow and uneasy decent into madness

-taken from the wifes point of view

-no strength in characters

Strange feeling of annoyance

Steven spoke about NZers as adventurous. Something about something exciting on every corner when he visited. Im a NZer and I dont think I am looking for adrenaline. This could possibly be just Auckland, as that is where he was furthered his talk (the sky tower with the glass floor). 

I spent time with one of my tutors last night (after yoga, because my friend didnt turn up). We spoke like old friends and the topics varied to vast amounts of considerations. 

I spoke about Te whare tapa wha and my decussion with Sir Mason Durie about the lack of movement it has, then I focussed on ACT and how it is supposed to be culturally appropriate but I cant seem to find any comment or evidence that it is, and the crux of my concerns at the moment - ACT doesnt acknowledge cultures which use the 6 principles prior to ACTs invention in 1982. 

I just finished ACT in Practice module 6, and what I notice in the background of Steves office.... a tiki. The same one (I think) which sits on our 10c piece.  

Why am I so annoyed?

Hours being fixated

Its only been two hours. But that enough for now. I am limiting myself. 

Things: 

I did several of the tests and the results are that I do have health anxiety.

The other name is hypochondria, which I dont like. 

I tried to share some of the information I found to this blog, but it appears that no one blogs anymore.... so Im a little chuffed no one will read my rants. 

There isnt any real coping strategies. Theres acknowledge and thought diaries, but no methodical, practical, personable techniques. 

My annoyance - covid is here, if I go to see my doctor I am clogging up his time when others need reassurance. Health anxiety has caused me to spend too much time (and money) seeing doctors. Everything from weight loss, bloating, perceived breast cancer, migraines, panic attacks, uti, v&d, low iron, pins and needles, numbness, reaction to medication, asthma, pneumonia, fibromygalgia, dislocating knees and hips. I get tested, I have an illness, I get medication, I go away until the next ailment which tends to happen within the week, I return as directed, I get tested, I have reaction, I get medication, I go away, something else happens but I wont go back because Im seen as the hypochondriac, I stop medication, this is life.

 

Health anxiety

***To be clear, officially I havent got a diagnosis. 

This morning I got up with a migraine, not unusual, but it was a befuddled heavy feeling. I walked to work and still felt yuck. 

Pulled up to see someone, and while waiting my nose got itchy, Like a booger tugging on a nose hair. Thats when all the dried evidence of a bleeding nose started coming out. 

I went home and tried to clean it up as best I could. My brain of course was thinking about catastrophes. Brain Tumour. Eye cancer. More bleeding noses. 

My brain only needs to think about it for a split second, or label the worst possible things, to have it there and eventually take over. IT IS NOT A Voice. My internal monologue is doing the normal thing.... considering the day, feeling cute in the outfit I chose, thinking about future things like birthdays and chiropractors. 

Then I start my drive to work, and panic attack. While Im driving. What I noticed, it was not super severe as my Januray 2nd. Possibly due to the fact it was only a bleeding nose. There werent as many worries that my brain flitted to as possible health outcomes. 

Health anxiety is going to be my next hyperfocus. I would like to find someone who has it and actually talk about what can work. I am not idolistic and believing it will go away, just things to help myself. I am old enough to know it is a life thing. Life has a way of desintegrating the vessel you arrived in, and as it does, I will enter more panic attacks. 

Feeling active

I have a friend coming over this evening. Because of this, I have tidied my house (wiped down cabinets, vaccuumed, swept, cleaned the toilet and bathroom). 

My cabinet has turned up. So I started making it up (it's a two part kit set, I finished one and have just the door on the second one). 

I had some time this morning so I worked out (13m pilates, 10m HIIT, 14m walk). 

I finished ACT module 5 and now I have 13seconds before Kaupapa Maori and Pasifika starts (it's the Cutting edge seminar). 

Where did this motivation come from??? Pass. I just started and I am pretty sure I will be exhausted soon. I have work to do, and yoga this afternoon. Aaaaand my friend..... buggar. 

Lets logic this out

I am not feeling well. I dont have covid. 

I watched the news today because I have to know whats going on with the shift into level two. 981 cases. 

I am hungry like ravenous. I ate too much yesterday. 

My brain is swimming in uncontrollable thoughts of people from my past. 

I put on a kg (i think, have to wait until 6pm to weigh again at the regular time). 

I am annoying myself. I have no one to talk to. 

Logic - 

Havent felt well since the booster

News causes nocebo 

My time of the month, comfort food while stressed, pilates work out last night and replenishing the body

Events of the last few months - the crazy need to have a replacement for the labelled positions (best friend)

Stress: finishing one job, starting another, post grad, birthday, covid

No motivation is annoying. 

Blogging my problems to an unseen non-audience

Motivation please

I dont know where its gone? 

I need to get my head straight, but I think Im still reacting to the booster. I know I shouldnt beat myself up, but I do need to get cracking... 

I think I will force myself right now to do something.... 

force.. something I know that I can do.... 

motivation... I need a reason.

What is wrong with me....

 Everything is so hard to focus on.... like 3D. Its like Im building up to a panic attack or coming down from one. 

I want to hide in a dark room, under a table. RA is like three doors down. This is a stress inducing situation. 

Im supposed to be working.... 

I had a panadol and all I can imagine is that my booster shot from yesterday is having a reaction. 

I cant PT feeling like this! 

I am exhausted and my arm hurts. 

Okay.... time to close my eyes and type without looking for a while... or maybe just get under the table??? 

Interesting trigger

 When I was a kid, I loved Duck tales. So much so that the song still plays in my head unexpectantly. 

D-d-d-danger lurks behind you!
There's a stranger out to find you
What to do, just grab on to some

DuckTales! Woo-oo!
Every day they're out there making
DuckTales! Woo-oo!
Tales of derring-do
Bad and good luck tales! Woo-oo!

The hero was a character called DW. 

 Yesterday I was sent an ending message, from a guy that was in my life 20 years ago. His initials were DW. 

It dawned on me.... while walking to work in the rain... as the Ducktales song screamed in my head.... DW was my hero. I idolised a cheating, ego centric, arrogant, scary man. Why? 

It is sad. I am sad letting him go again. I miss intelligent conversation... but he has opened a new avenue to me that I thought was completely blocked off. Adult conversations with people from my youth. The people that I lost (living). The people that Ive portraited. 

What a complete wanker DW was. He wanted to apologise, hear he was forgiven, say he wanted to message (and did most nights around midnight) and that he cared for me (as a friend), then f-d off like a brick wall falling over. 

What did I learn? He hasnt changed. He still wants someone to say he is good and kind and smart and charismatic, a man on an ego trip. I couldnt give this to him, I dont know him. 

Also, this is yet another person who doesnt remember... I do. I even put myself in his shoes. But he cant remember anything. Im left with so many questions. 

If he realised he was a Prick (his words), what is he going to teach his two boys so they dont become the same? 

When did he realise what he did was awful? How did he realise? If he cares for me, why say goodbye? Did he tell his wife we were talking? He must realise that the world is small and we are going to come into contact, how would he like to proceed? 

Im done. Its pretty good really. I contacted a friend and we made up reasons (the worst and the best, then settle on something inbetween). It helped me stop the questions.... 

Run down

 I feel a bit run down. Probably get a cold soon and then I'm screwed because I can't work. I hate this feeling. 😒 

Found NH on line last night! Which made me think I should do AG.... and boy that was sore scrolling to find a good picture of her. Then I saw all the MB comments. How great her life seems. Almost 2am when I put the phone down. 

On the plus, BR text back. 

On the neg, DW didn't, neither did RA. 

Ok, I'm off to work.... probably with a cold.... dang it! 

Nocebo

 From what I can tell, it's the opposite of placebo. It's interesting to consider.... with the climate of today. I look out of my window and see a fully covid dressed person (photo below) and wonder if this constitues as nocebo. 

 full scrubs, shield, gloves and mask, talking to a family in their car in the carpark, before they are allowed entry. 

Todays climate??? 

 

 

Signs

 How do we interpret signs? 

Something is going on today.... four leafed 🍀 clovers are my grandmother. White fluffy 🪶 feathers are my friend Kate. 

Walking to work today... 

What do you think it means? Me, I start with caution, then relax into feeling watched over. 

Both will play in my mind all day. 

I've been going down a rabbit hole last few days.... writing has got stuck on this idea of "first". In ACT it's creative hopelessness. In tikanga it's whakawhanaungatanga or powhiri if I am talking processes. So my brain is churning on this. 

Rabbit hole two: two people treated me poorly in the past. One has blocked me, the other has reached out to me. I'm well confused about why I have been blocked, and using the other to get some answers. 

Rabbit hole three: pop up book is starting to take shape. I even told my MA. But for a rough copy I am putting in too much effort and it's not a simple flap one like Spot. 

Rabbit hole four: study, new job and tron visit. If I book the ferry or not? If my car starts or not? If omicron takes over and I get stuck or not? If I get sock while away or not? 

Rabbit hole five: best one... a new word: nocebo. But I will probably post about this one soon. 

It's no wonder granny and Kate are trying to communicate with me.... keeping me to the now rather than getting lost. 

Anniversary

 It's the anniversary of my friends death tomorrow (4 minutes). No wonder I'm a little low. 

Friyay?

I handed in my resignation today. Probably a little under duress. It was nice to get responses, especially knowing I can go back whenever I want. 

I spent too long last night texting, and yet I crave more. It was the deep stuff that I havent had for 16 odd years. 

I went for my Apothocary appointment. It was good to feel healthy. So much so that I went to the shop and bought more of my food. 

They read my complaint and informed me that the lady that served me is leaving soon, that they got rid of her... which made me feel a little sad, as it wasnt her that caused the panic attack. 

I decided to hang out in a cafe down the road from my house to eat and drink and draw. I really feel like a low relax. 

Last night I did some study because I was wired. I dont think I got to sleep until 2am. I didnt feel like myself of now, but my old self. And I miss her.  

Not enough sleep

 Into week 4 of ACT today. Can't seem to get into it. Probably because my mind is elsewhere (phone, covid, pg, new job, old job, portraits, aerial school). It seems to be just watching examples of points of ACT. I'm watching it and feeling awkward because it's someone's actual therapy session! Whenever I'm watching someone else's session I'm a student or learning a new role and I have developed a technique of being present but not being involved in the session (not looking at the person, reading the person but not listening). 

I don't get involved and I don't take stuff in to preserve their privacy. But that's my value talking. I value privacy. 

My cat kept me awake last night. Then all the alarms going off this morning from 6am. I have nothing on tonight.... so I'm going to fall over.

Apothecary tomorrow and hopefully my phone? 

No phone and panic attack

 Went to pick up my phone at 8.30am as stated to the Auckland lady when I phoned redirection. Not there. They receive post around 4.30-5pm close at 5.30pm. 

Went to pick up my phone at 5.15pm before yoga. They didn't get a delivery today. 

Work in Rolleston tomorrow. Not able to get back in time. 

I went to the Apothecary to book an appointment to fix my midnight migraines. A lady interrupted my information giving to ask for oil, then stood behind me and listen to my private health problems. I paid for some rescue remedy and walked out, to put the plastic wrap in the bin and I could hear her saying "Jesus Christ" about me. 

I'm getting anxious about work: updates about dhb forecasts, working in pods, symptoms, do and don't, etc... etc.... and I got a new job, where I'll be working in a hospital! Where everyone is more freaked. 

I went and sat in the car and had a full blown panic attack. It lasted through my meeting, then a client session. I started feeling better when I got to yoga and started feeling worse when going to aerial school (yes Ive just enrolled).... new people, post panic attack, post yoga, post work.... I'm shaking like a leaf. Literally. 

Check out these shoes!!! 

Flicking between

 Listening to Steven Hayes again in Immersion. 

Describes a box and the walls are interconnected. Like TWTW. 

only way to fail at ACT is to become stubborn. I agree. I became fused with working on trauma with a client and she nose wiggles out of the room and discharged. 

There's a northwest arch here today which means everyone is a little crazy.... I have to make sure I don't break under it's strain.